I cannot help but wonder if getting older makes you more emotional? I am not a cryer. Not even in the direst of situations (though a good book or movie has always been able to get to me). But in real life situations I find myself to be very strong.
Lately though, I've noticed some chips in the armor. A blog post made me blubbery, a commerical for a sick child teared me up. And thinking of my grandmother this morning (who was the most wonderful person in the world to me when I was growing up) made me tear up instantly (today would have been her birthday).
The worst one, however, was taking my second oldest son to the airport this week. I knew he was leaving, in fact, he was only here for a visit. He told me awhile back he was coming to visit...grandpa had been in the hospital for weeks, and it sounded grave, and he missed home (though he'd only been gone five weeks), so he was coming to visit. Hurray! I love love love love love any time my kids come to visit!
And I'd just said goodbye to him five weeks ago, to brave the world on his own (he's going to start college in another state but has to wait for residency to use his college program we got him years ago when we lived in that state).
But it was different this time. Five weeks ago, I flew with him to Florida. This time, it was super early in the morning, and I had to get back home (quite a drive) to get a little one to school. So I dropped him off at the departures door at the airport (he's 19 and has flown often, so I knew he'd be fine). But I waited in the car. And I saw him in the line, and I just lost it. There goes my baby, through an airport security line, and into another world.
I know he's ready. I know it's time to let go. But I just lost it. I cried until I couldn't see him anymore (fighting the urge to run in and hug him one last time). And I cried the whole hour drive home. Then I suffered with the resulting headache the next few hours, and still kept tearing up intermittently.
I know what happens when kids move to another state. I left home early, and never went back (I went to Florida from the north). I saw my family on vacations and at Christmas. It wasn't enough. They never got to form that wonderful bond with my children that I had formed with my family when I was a kid (from simply being around them regularly). I was happy in Florida. Very happy. But the older I got, the more I missed my family.
And now my kids are growing up and moving away. And as I watched my son go through that airport security line, back to his new life, I was consumed with thoughts like, "I'll miss his life," "I'll miss every important thing," "How can I be there when he needs me?" "I'm going to miss him so so much!" "What about when he gets married and I won't be there for my grandchildren?" I so want to be the same wonderful type of grandmother to my grandchildren that my gram was for me, and my oldest's wife is expecting soon (hurray!), but he's in another state (military) & I won't get to be the gram I so want to be, and now another son is gone. It was quite the pity party going on in my mind and I was starting to feel desperate. Like I've said, that just isn't my character, so I was blown away, but unable to stop!
And then, when I was doing dishes yesterday, with all of those thoughts still running through my head and making me cry, and I saw a picture my Kindergartener made that is hanging on our refrigerator:
Oh yeah, duh! How could I forget that so easily??? And just like that I was snapped out of my funk and back to my normal self. I forgot the biggest thing, God. God won't forget my needs, my children's needs, or my future grandchildren's needs either for that matter. I have nothing to worry about, and no reason to fear because just like his picture says, "No matter what happens...trust God." And I do. How wonderful to have my faith (thank you, Jesus).